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The State of the Valentine's Day Candy Union

The candy ninja strikes again.

As (I hope) you all know, President Barack Obama delivered his State of the Union address on Tuesday.

I, naturally, didn’t watch it. Though I was following my Twitter feed and evidently all that happened was Marco Rubio got a little thirsty during the speech.

Anyhoo, I think that this is the perfect opportunity to give a State of the Candy (Valentine's edition) address to all three of my readers. (I’d name who you are, but I don’t want to embarrass you.)                 

I want to thank Vernon Local Editor Chris Dehnel for the idea. Poor Chris is allergic to chocolate (no lie, evidently he blows up like a strawberry when he comes even remotely in contact with the stuff), so if you see a mustached man holding his nose while picking out a V-Day present, assume it’s the contents of the package and not how he feels about his wife.

Here are some quick missives about the state of candy around this manufactured day of love:

1. There are WAY more choices for Valentines than when I was a kid. I now have two stepchildren below the age of 10. The things they can now get their classmates are incredible. Prepackaged Blow-Pop Valentines, Star Wars Valentines (I am sure that Amy, the girl who I had a crush on in second grade, would be Mrs. Ted Glanzer if she ever got a Yoda Valentine from yours truly. What better way to say “I love you” than with a 2.5-foot tall, light-saber wielding, hairy-eared green man from the planet Degobah? Actually, Yoda would say, “Love you, I do. Yes.”), Spongebob Valentines. Man, the kids today have it easy.

In my day, you got lame Valentines that you filled out as quickly as possible so as to not ruin your dude-cred. Man, I hated giving those stinky girls Valentines.

I learned the hard way that the egalitarian method of Valentine’s Day (everyone gets a card! Even the stinky girls!) in elementary school was much less stressful than the Darwinian method of Valentine’s Day — only good looking, popular guys get Valentines from those not-so-stinky, kinda nice looking girls — in middle and high school.

Sigh.

2. There are TOO many choices available for Valentine’s Day candy. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I recently went into the Wal-Mart, and I walked straight into an aisle that can best be described as a red wall of doom. My eyes exploded from all the options: heart-shaped Butterfingers, heart-shaped Sweetarts, heart-shaped hearts. No lie, there was a Valentine-themed section for Nerds. Fellas, if you’re getting Nerds for your sweetheart, she ain’t sticking around long. She’s gonna leave you for some guy who has a Nestle’s Crunch or a Snickers up his sleeve.

Actually, if you are over the age of 20 and shopping for Valentine’s Day candy at Wal-Mart, you may have some problems. Get yourself a nice box of Munsons or Godiva and put a smile on her face.

Then wipe that smile right off by eating the entire box yourself. Not that I have ever done that.

3. Conversation hearts need to be more realistic. Seriously, what’s with the “Be mine” and “Text Me” and “Crazy 4 U?” What dudes want to see on their conversation hearts (though not me. I love you, honey! … honey?) is something like the following: “You don’t watch enough sports” “I want you to spend more time with your friends” “I won’t mind if you go to Vegas for the weekend.”

4. Putting out Easter candy at the same time that Valentine’s candy on major display is an abomination (see the photo in the gallery above). Pretty sure it’s in the Bible.

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